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oh weekend, how I love thee

Even though I have to amend my previous plan to spend today naked, drinking wine, listening to Patti Smith, and painting.  Feh, stupid adulting!

It's summer in North Carolina, and the bugs seem more obnoxious than usual this year.  I'm Borax-ing the HELL out of all ledges and corners, but the spiders are the real problem.  The spousebeast found a wet/dry vac at Walgreens for cheap, so we can just suck up the webs.  Unfortunately, he found it when he was also carrying a shitton of manuals for his job.  Guess who gets to go buy it today?

(And glitter glue and picture frames to decorate and the really nice trail mix and maybe a couple of boxes of hair dye because my roots have passed "trendy" skipped past "edgy" and moved straight into "Uh....no"  I should NEVER be let loose in a Walgreens with a debit card.)

I survived the week!  Yay!  Yesterday was mostly non-traumatic...aside from one of our local homeless women "camping out."  She was there when I got there at noon and was there when I left.  We had to re-make an order for someone who apparently can't tell the difference between a chicken salad sandwich and a grilled chicken sandwich.( "And I eat here all the time!  Silly me"  Grrrr)  I brought it out to her and said someone had mis-ordered and would she like a chicken salad sandwich.  She said yes and I decided if we're taking a wash on this, she should get a side, too.

I went away knowing she got a good meal (she got mac and cheese as a side).  And when I cleared her table...

...she left me a dollar.

Yep.  Back in the walkin, crying.

The spousebeast has gotten an offer from one of the UNC dining halls and is seriously considering taking it (it has benefits, which Goddess knows we need).  He's been pushing for me to take over for him at The Stratford, which is not an unreasonable idea.  I have the skills.  And more for this job than he does, actually.

I just don't think I could do it.  When he started, I was all "RAAAAR!  I can do this in my sleep.  Give me the old folks and you go take the college students"

In all honesty, I don't think I can.  I WANT to.  I want to make things up to my grandparents.  I want to erase that last day where I left half an hour early and kissed Granma and Grandpa for the last time and set on the porch, waiting for my ride because I just couldn't be there any more.

I just don't think I can.

And it irks the everloving FUCK out of me.  Derk (the ex-husband) told me to never go in to social work or anything like it because it would break me.  I HATE the idea that he might be right.

(Of course, he also said I'd end up in an institution when Granma died.  Proved you wrong, fucknut.  I survived.  I took two of the hardest blows in my life and I am still here.  Asswipe)

But if a table of 15 old ladies can send me to the walkin to compose myself, how on EARTH could I deal with seeing my grandparents day after day after day?  And y'all know that's what I would see in every smile, every cough, every gesture.

Stuff to think about.  And I'm doing well where I am so....I don't know.


( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 25th, 2016 03:15 pm (UTC)
If it were me, I'd stay there. I would be the same in social work. It's not something I could do, I'd bring it home with me. I'd take it everywhere with me.

You're doing a great job <3
Jun. 25th, 2016 04:08 pm (UTC)
I really identify with that whole taking-everything-to-heart thing. I mean, my students made me cry so many times the last two seasons, and only sometimes out of frustration--a lot of the times they just broke my heart with my inability to be detached in my work. Same thing here at camp. I think there are just people who have to do everything with all their hearts, whether or not those hearts get broken on a regular basis.
Jun. 25th, 2016 11:46 pm (UTC)
there is no shame in having a kind, soft heart. even if it means you may not be able to handle social work or the like.
Jun. 26th, 2016 02:18 am (UTC)

If I lived near you we could spend time outside together so all the bugs would eat me first. I'm used to it. :P

(Asthma meds/steroids make my blood WAY WAY YUMMY!!! to all the bugs.)

Jun. 26th, 2016 03:58 am (UTC)
It is good to have choices.

What so many elderly need are people with heart. So many people dump them off at a care facility and never visit. Many elderly are lonely.

It may also be a way to bring a bit more closure to your grandparents.

I'm not encouraging you to do this, you know yourself. You are also thriving where you are at. Take your time and think on it.
Jun. 26th, 2016 11:08 am (UTC)
I am the same way, and a few people would write books on that, I hate when people are right and I am not... There. I said it.

Years ago, there was a lady who came to eat on Thrusdays former schoolteachers. She looked like my grandma and even has her mannerisms. She is a local celebrity, as she is on a commercial for her retirement village and she says, "Do come see us" which is EXACTLY how my grandma would say it. I found it oddly comforting to wait on her....

Our homeless are not as forward. Working downtown, I rarely see them.
Jun. 26th, 2016 02:42 pm (UTC)
How sweet of you to help that woman out. Everyone can use a bit of that style compassion these days.
Jun. 27th, 2016 03:12 am (UTC)
There is no shame in realizing you can't do something, no matter how much you may want to.

You shouldn't do it as penance. Especially since you know they wouldn't want you to, at all.
Jun. 28th, 2016 05:54 am (UTC)
that story about the sandwich and the homeless woman made me tear up, too <3
Jun. 29th, 2016 11:42 pm (UTC)
Jun. 30th, 2016 08:49 am (UTC)
Thank you for the reminder.
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )