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One year

One year, one year, one year.

I went back to sleep after Kent went to work at that silly hour.  Slightly hungover or sleep deprived (it's hard to tell these days), I woke up to THIS playing on Pandora

Then I got up, brushed that dust that gums  your eyelashes up and headed to the computer.

Stupid, stupid, stupid fucking FB memories.

One year.  She's been gone one year.  I have a feeling I was trying to block it out.

I still can't fathom it.  How does the world keep turning when she's not physically here?  Why do I hear her say my name or feel her standing behind me when I know she's gone?

All day, all I could think of was her crepe paper hands holding mine, when she theought I was her sister Margaret.  She let me feed her chocolate ice cream in tiny bites.  We talked about times before I was even thought of, but I was there in Kanawah County with her.  I was Margaret.

She wanted to sing "Ring Aroun' the Rosie" over and over and over again.  We'd hold hands.  She'd reach up a little, but was pretty much immobile.  But I'd sway our hands a tiny bit, and she would smile.

I was the biggest coward on the fucking planet.  That afternoon, I left early.  I couldn't do it any more.  I used the excuse that I had a ride coming and fucking ran.

That was the last time I saw her.

I wonder to this day if I should have stayed.  Would that last 20 minutes have given me something, given her something?

I kissed my grandparents, walked calmly from thier room to the nurses station..and ran like my life depended on it  That was the last time I saw either of them until they showed up on my porch in a Zip-loc bag.

I have tear stained journal pages where I sobbed and wrote like demons were chasing me while I waited for my ride.  I know she would have waited as long as I needed, but I was a coward.  Those pages are wasted minutes, selfish, and I can never forgive myself for that.

I thought I was coping pretty well.  My ex always said I'd have a complete breakdown when Granma died, but I proved him wrong.

Today, however...I'm not so sure.


( 23 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 12th, 2016 03:15 am (UTC)
Aug. 12th, 2016 03:17 am (UTC)
You are not a coward.

You are dealing with stuff bigger than life.

Give yourself a break.

Loving isn't easy.
Aug. 12th, 2016 03:57 am (UTC)
*hugs* I'm sure she knew how much you loved her.
Aug. 12th, 2016 04:33 am (UTC)

I don't really know you but I know that grandparents are special beings. I also know how much of a trigger fb memories can be, both good and bad. Things will get easier. I have found that grief comes up over and over. Especially if it was tragic. Sending hugs to help you get through this.

Edited at 2016-08-12 04:33 am (UTC)
Aug. 12th, 2016 04:39 am (UTC)


Death is so hard.

A trite statement, I know.

But true. And I am sorry for your loss.


Aug. 12th, 2016 04:56 am (UTC)
I left my mother's hospital room for just an hour, and during that hour she died. I felt bad about it for a long time, but people who work with the dying say that people often way to die until the people they're very close to are gone. That comforted me, that possibly she chose that time. Maybe that is true in your situation too.
Aug. 12th, 2016 05:52 am (UTC)
Don't beat yourself up! You could not have known!

and you know, many people often wait to be alone before they go.
I have been at both my mother's and my father's bed and holding hands, when they were about to die.
I was at my father's bed for 36 hours, then, I left, just for half an hour, on Saturday morning, to take a shower and change clothes. I arrived home (about 10 minutes after leaving) and received the phone call, that my father had died.
I was in hospital, holding my mother's hand, talking to her, reassuring her. The nurses actually told me in advance, that often, loved ones wait for a moment alone, before they go, even wait for the family member to leave for just going to the bathroom, and then they use the minute they have to themselves.
IN my case, I had come at 4 am, when I had gotten the phone call that it would be my mother's last hours, and it was 2 pm, and I was told that the cafeteria in the basement was about to close, and if I wanted some lunch snack, I should go now.
I left for just buying a sandwich to go and returning to my Mom's room, took the lift down, came into the cafeteria room of the hospital, when the phone rang: my mother had died.

Your grandma surely has enjoyed your company, but may have waited for you to go...
Maybe our loved ones want to spare us the trauma of the actual moment when they leave....

Yoh HAVE been there, that's what really counts, I think.

Aug. 12th, 2016 09:27 am (UTC)
Aug. 12th, 2016 09:48 am (UTC)

Having watched my grandmother pass in front of all her family is not a pleasant experience and I know she would not have wanted that. As everyone have said, people wait until they're alone.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. You bucked up and were strong until you couldn't anymore. It's not a weakness and you definitely shouldn't feel guilty. We're human and can only handle so much before we break. You stopped before you broke.

I'm sorry for the preachy tangent, but my cousin's death anniversary is coming up & I haven't been dealing with it well. I think I'm trying to help both of us deal/cope. *hugs*
Aug. 12th, 2016 09:48 am (UTC)

Aug. 12th, 2016 09:58 am (UTC)

I don't think you're a coward. You did her a service by not breaking down in front if her; her last minutes with you were love, not fear.

Take care of yourself today.

Aug. 12th, 2016 10:31 am (UTC)
Aug. 12th, 2016 03:24 pm (UTC)
(((so many hugs and so much love))) I'm sending all the good thoughts I can muster your way <3
Aug. 12th, 2016 04:00 pm (UTC)
Something I have noticed is that our loved ones often wait until they are alone to go. I don't know why, but my paternal grandmother died half an hour after my father and his brother had left- and they had been by her deathbed for two days straight. And my husband's father died before the doctor's thought he would, an hour after my husband and his siblings had gone home for the night. And those are just those examples that are closest to me.

I think it can be difficult to leave when those you love are around as you know how painful it will be.

Aug. 12th, 2016 05:02 pm (UTC)
She knows you loved her. I know how hard this is for you. Hang on to that, the love and positive memories.

I didn't get to be with mine either, I was 3 hours away and didn't get to my phone in time to make the drive to her.

In a way I'm glad, because my last memory with her is filled with love, because even though it's the last time I saw her, I made her happy.

If you need to talk please message me
Aug. 12th, 2016 05:14 pm (UTC)
Oh sweetie. Those firsts are always hard ones. *hugs tightly*
Aug. 12th, 2016 07:23 pm (UTC)
Aug. 12th, 2016 11:23 pm (UTC)
All my love, sweetheart.
Aug. 13th, 2016 03:43 am (UTC)
Aug. 13th, 2016 09:36 am (UTC)
Aug. 13th, 2016 01:56 pm (UTC)
Aug. 14th, 2016 05:11 pm (UTC)
You are certainly not a coward, it's a difficult situation to be in and I'm sure you are not the only person who would have had the reaction and made the choices you did. She knew you loved her <3
Aug. 17th, 2016 02:52 am (UTC)

Sorry, late to this post, too.

I am so sorry... grief is such a weird and merciless thing. I still get hit with it at odd times about my father, and I wonder if it will ever stop.

Thinking of you! ::::hugs::::

( 23 comments — Leave a comment )