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I was watching The Waltons.

I remembered how Granma used to call me "John Girl" and say how I was going to be a famous writer.  And get to marry Richard Thomas. I've been unusally inspired with The Jillie Project and wanted to read some of it to her.

I picked up the phone, dialed in that familiar number...and died inside.  That noise.  That fucking noise that there is no phone there any more.  That there is no one there any more.  No house.  No grandparents.  Nothing.

Someone please tell me this pain goes away.  The slow, dull ache I carry with me is bearable and not that unusual.  The flash grenade of pain that sears white hot and leaves me sobbing on the floor, clutching my chest and wishing I could just go be with her....I don't know how much longer I can deal with this.

I know she wouldn't want me to be this way, but I can't seem to stop it.


( 19 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 6th, 2016 11:11 pm (UTC)
I can't say it goes away. But, it does dull after a while.
Sep. 7th, 2016 12:27 am (UTC)


Sep. 7th, 2016 12:29 am (UTC)
Sorry, it's rough.

You can still talk to her/read to her though. Spirits are always around when you need them. She's there with you and listening to you when you need her.

((Big hugs)) ❤️
Sep. 7th, 2016 12:51 am (UTC)
:( *hugs*
Sep. 7th, 2016 12:51 am (UTC)
I don't know if it ever goes away, but I know it eventually dulls. It certainly sounds as if you could benefit from grief counseling, or perhaps a support group <3
Sep. 7th, 2016 01:20 am (UTC)
Awww, honey. :(

I'd offer you gentle hugs right now if I could. ♥
Sep. 7th, 2016 03:59 am (UTC)
I wish I could tell you that it goes away. It doesn't. But it does get easier with time. For me, now, it's a shot to the heart that leaves me with extra sad for a day or two.
Sep. 7th, 2016 04:54 am (UTC)

I am so sorry. It's been ten years since I lost my dad. The ache is always there, but there are still moments where the pain in my heart is so sharp that it brings me to my knees. So I talk to him. It's the only way I can get through it. He wouldn't want me to be this way, either, but I simply cannot help it sometimes.

I'm thinking of you. Hang in there. ::::hugs::::

Sep. 7th, 2016 04:55 am (UTC)
Sep. 7th, 2016 05:08 am (UTC)
For me in the 14 years since I lost here it hasn't gone away or dulled but it happens less frequently. I actually got two tattoos with her handwriting on my wrists last year and having her always with me has been really helpful for me.
Sep. 7th, 2016 05:45 am (UTC)
I know how you feel, I can relate.
Yes, it does get better with time, promise. Even though, I still have my moments where I break down and cry when triggered in a specific way, but now, it feels more like being still "connected" in some way, which feels good. this may sound strange, but I would find it worse, if I didn't have any emotional reaction anymore to the loss of my parents.
It's now 6 years since my Mom died, and yes, it will get better, but I know, it can be hard for a long time!

*hugs again*
Sep. 7th, 2016 09:25 am (UTC)
*hugs*. I wish it did. 34 years later and I still want my Grandma Hazel, though unrealistic as it is. She would have been 109 on the 11th.
Sep. 7th, 2016 11:19 am (UTC)
:( *Huge hugs*
Sep. 8th, 2016 02:43 am (UTC)

Sep. 8th, 2016 04:38 am (UTC)
I feel you. It will be four years in March. I miss her so much that there are days I can't bear it and other days it's a dull ache that I remember is there. I talk to her..it's the only thing that works.

*big big hugs*

Edited at 2016-09-08 04:39 am (UTC)
Sep. 8th, 2016 06:59 am (UTC)
*hugs* Yes, it does get better over time, dear! May memory lighten grief.
Sep. 8th, 2016 10:26 am (UTC)
I don't know how recent your loss is, but I can say that individual mourning and grief varies a great deal. It's possible that the searing pain will lessen in due time, and it's also possible that it will always hurt intensely but that it will be triggered less often.

Some of the people I've lost I feel the loss all of the time as a distinct ache, a hole they used to fill, and others it's mellow until something reminds me of them and it's a shot to the heart every time.

What I can say is that I hope, whatever happens that you can find some relief and know that eventually the pain will become less one way or another, and you won't have to fight so hard every single day.
Sep. 8th, 2016 02:47 pm (UTC)
It's been just over a year. She and my grandfather were more my parents than my actual parents. Anything positive about me as a human being they had a direct hand in.

I lost my grandfather about six months after Granma died, but that doesn't hurt as much (although I may say differently come December). They were married over 60 years, and I KNEW he wouldn't last long after she was gone. In some ways, it was a relief. I knew how lost he was without her.

Fuck. Now I'm crying.
Sep. 8th, 2016 09:51 pm (UTC)
Hugs if you want them. Space if that's what you prefer. :)

That is certainly a very fresh loss by my standards. My step-father passed 3 years ago and it hit me much harder than I expected it to, but in his very brief time in my life he was more of a father to me than my biological father ever was. I'm at a point where I can speak fondly of him but there is a constant ache where he was. In contrast friends I loved dearly who died tragically young in middle school and highschool I do fine day to day but sometimes will hear a song they loved or think about something we shared an it's like a bullet to the chest.

So, I don't know how much comfort that is, and I'm sorry, but I know when it was fresh no amount of words helped me in either case. Knowing that my friends cared and supported me helped later on though. :) I'm happy to care and support you.
( 19 comments — Leave a comment )