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That's exactly what I need this week.  The hot tub is the perfect temperature.  The prosecco is perfectly chilled and the bubbles are the cliche that tickles my nose.  And who knew Hugh Jackman was so skilled at

Blagh blagh blagh!

Chirpy little bastard.  I hate that fucking alarm clock.  I hate it even more now that I technically have nowhere to be.

The pile of covers next to me mumbles.  I think it says "Coffee."  Or "Kill me."  They sound roughly the same at 4:30 in the morning, especially under a pile of acrylic yarn pretending to be an afghan.

Blagh blagh blagh!

Fuck.  Hit the snooze button by mistake.  The pile of covers seems strangely unaffected.

It's the same shuffle every morning:  fumble for pajamas, because making coffee in the nude is a dangerous and slightly unsanitary project.  Lay out work uniforms.  Decide if this apron is too filthy for work...or if anyone is going to notice.

"Fifteen minutes until you have to shower!  Do you want to eat this morning?"

I think the mumble from the pile of the covers is "No."  It might also be "Fuck you" or "Kill me," but I'm too busy chasing down the roach that just skittered across the sink to worry.  Borax is my best friend, and somehow screamming "Die!  Die by my hand!" while squirting clouds of white powder down the drain is strangely satisfying.

Amazingly, the pile of covers has morphed into human form.  "Coffee?"

My attempt at serving said beverage in a wittily snarksome mug falls flat.  Does no one read their coffee mug at 4:45 in the morning?  Jesus, why do I even try?

Blagh blagh blagh!

I turned the damned thing off.  Why?  Why, why, why?  And I can't take a sledgehammer to it like I'd like to, because who would get up and make sure that the pile of covers is dressed and caffeinated before dawn?

"Hey, do I have an extra apron?  We've got a new guy at work and he needs one."

Rush to the sink.  I am the Goddess of Spot Cleaning.  I wish I would get invoked less often, but with great power comes...yeah, you know.

And then the rush hits.  It a tumbledown of "here's your lunch don't forget to put the light bill in the mail are we going to see your sister Sunday? I love you have a great day goodbye see you soon."

I lock the door and flop on the sofa.  I managed to get him from floor to door in 25 minutes.  Some days it is more of a struggle.

Now to shake the cobwebs out of my head and figure out my place in the world.  But I'm strangely energized.  This daily dance, this race against the clock, is what I live for.


Blagh blagh blagh!

That, on the other hand, must die.

Comments

( 27 comments — Leave a comment )
tigrkittn
Nov. 22nd, 2016 04:50 pm (UTC)
Ugh, you are such a better woman than I. I'd let the pile of covers oversleep if it couldn't get its own damn self out of bed. (And no, no one reads their coffee mug at 4:45 in the morning!)
praxedes_osaka
Nov. 22nd, 2016 05:22 pm (UTC)
I cannot handle alarm clocks, so you are doing better than me. ^^;
adoptedwriter
Nov. 22nd, 2016 05:24 pm (UTC)

AM is definitely a rat race.

lostin_thestars
Nov. 22nd, 2016 05:47 pm (UTC)
Loved this.

I too know the alarm clock dance.

But it is only I who have to dance to its sadistic tango
az_starshine
Nov. 22nd, 2016 07:17 pm (UTC)

I love this. And I relate. :)

lilmissmagic71
Nov. 22nd, 2016 11:17 pm (UTC)
Oh yes! The struggle is real... (I LOVE my goofy coffee cups... I ALWAYS read them! )
communitybee
Nov. 23rd, 2016 07:34 am (UTC)
Great piece,
morettaallstar
Nov. 23rd, 2016 10:51 am (UTC)
Ha, yes, this is my life also, except I am both of those people! Nicely done!
millysdaughter
Nov. 23rd, 2016 12:36 pm (UTC)
I am the pile of covers
man_of_snows
Nov. 23rd, 2016 07:36 pm (UTC)
I select my coffee mug thoughtfully the night before and then forget to notice in the morning.
j0ydivided
Nov. 23rd, 2016 10:49 pm (UTC)
Oh, I really enjoyed this! I relate to it all too well. Well done!
yesididit2
Nov. 23rd, 2016 11:12 pm (UTC)
this made me smile, good writing.

and agreed, you're a better wife/girlfriend than i. if the alarm clock goes off more than once i start kicking. you wake me up, you fucking pay.

i'm such a crabby grouch about being woken up that back when i started kindergarten, my mom got fed up and gave me my very own alarm clock and helped me set it every night (so many years ago, before digital). i've been known to go get a frying pan and bang it on the wall in thin walled apartment buildings while screaming "get your lazy ass up already and shut that damned thing off!"
karmasoup
Nov. 25th, 2016 05:35 pm (UTC)
I am SO entertained by this! I feel like I shouldn't be laughing, but I'm pretty sure you intended for us to be, so thanks very much for sharing, as I giggled most of the way through this!!! :)

(Btw, whatever did the snarky mug say??? Inquiring minds want to know!!!)

Edited at 2016-11-25 08:36 pm (UTC)
mamas_minion
Nov. 26th, 2016 01:25 am (UTC)
I now work at night so fortunately I do not have to deal with the morning rat race anymore. But I hugely enjoyed this.
messygorgeous
Nov. 26th, 2016 03:07 pm (UTC)
Very nice! As a couple who despise mornings, I can say my husband and I have totally been through this struggle. Your conversational tone and humor is great here. Thank you for making me smile!
roina_arwen
Nov. 27th, 2016 07:16 pm (UTC)
I love your witty snarkisms. :)
eternal_ot
Nov. 28th, 2016 11:36 am (UTC)
Heh! I totally hate alarm clocks. This was a FUN read. Way to go!
kajel
Nov. 28th, 2016 12:18 pm (UTC)
I enjoyed reading this and that last line had me laughing. Good thing I am here by myself with no one to look at me strangely!
oxymoron67
Nov. 28th, 2016 01:17 pm (UTC)
I have an alarm clock in the shape of a pig that snorts children's songs as its alarm.

I actually learned to wake up before the alarm went off to avoid that.
rayaso
Nov. 28th, 2016 04:45 pm (UTC)
I love the humor and details in this! It was great.
my_name_is_jenn
Nov. 29th, 2016 01:39 am (UTC)
and somehow screamming "Die! Die by my hand!" while squirting clouds of white powder down the drain is strangely satisfying.

We've had an infestation of fruit flies. I'm constantly swatting them and screaming, "You mother fuckers need to die right now!" It really is satisfying.

This was very well written and made me laugh. :)

Edited to fix some spelling.

Edited at 2016-11-29 04:40 am (UTC)
baxaphobia
Nov. 29th, 2016 11:11 am (UTC)
Aren't mornings a joy? haha. I'm glad my "pile of covers" doesn't need this to wake up in the morning!
yuniebaby
Nov. 29th, 2016 02:08 pm (UTC)
There is something deeply satisfying about getting someone else out the door on time. :)
penpusher
Nov. 29th, 2016 09:09 pm (UTC)
Clever take on the prompt!
halfshellvenus
Nov. 29th, 2016 09:10 pm (UTC)
Haha-- I loved this, especially the humor inside a reality of morning routines most of us know too well.

I think it says "Coffee." Or "Kill me." They sound roughly the same at 4:30 in the morning,
Just wonderful.

And your Goddess of Spot Cleaning? That incarnation seems oddly familiar in our house as well.
dmousey
Nov. 29th, 2016 10:24 pm (UTC)
The string of expletives I have to decribe my resentment for said Blagh blagh blagh! will never be strong or creative enough.

This made me chuckle! Hugs and peace~~~D
uselesstinrelic
Nov. 30th, 2016 02:12 am (UTC)
My morning cup says "If I'm drinking from this cup don't talk to me. It's too early and I will cut you." I appreciate morning cups. I hope your pile of blankets will one day as well. Sometimes it's the only thing that gets you to smile at zero o'clock in the morning.
( 27 comments — Leave a comment )